good bye
good bye.
i live in the real world, because i have to. i don’t get to make any choices that matter except the ones that keep me from sitting still, so god can’t reach out and grab me. although i’d rather it be me than you. i’d rather he pick me up, spread open my ribs, give my heart to you, bring me back up in his fingers like a doll. place me frozen in a glacier, he’d promised me that you could have me, my body, to keep on living.
too many reasons to say good-bye and people who shouldn’t leave will still be leaving soon. too little time to waste my time here. too little time for this somnolence. too little time for you to teach me how to be a joyful girl.
i had a dream recently in which i could save you by throwing myself over a waterfall. and i’d do it if could. i’d do it and i’d watch them spread my ribs open after and massage my heart back to life. just to make you grow healthy. trade you my heart, trade you my legs, trade you my muscles and bones. trade the wheelchair. i’ll sit in it instead, still, unmoving, let god grab me up instead of you.
i’d let the cat scratch me. let my organs be the sluggish ones. let my eyesight blur. let my body bruise. let me lay awake at night. let me digest the chemicals. let me seize in the sunlight. let me crawl up the stairs instead. let me feel the band around my body. let’s just listen to the secret of roan inish and the pipes will take us home.
please just let me come with you.
i’ve got a lot to lose so come and take it from me quick. the guilt is the coal that keeps the fire burning to drive out the cold that creeps in every corner crack and never leaves you alone till the lonely messengers come calling you back home.
[© 2010 Sophia Nelson]
