And Then
In my mind there is this place where everyone I know is dead.
And I’m alone.
And nobody is asking me questions. Nobody wants anything from me.
But I’m also sad. I’m more than sad. I’m desperate. I’m crazy. I’m so unbelievably heartsick I feel like vomiting.
Because I can’t stand to be without him. Because the thought of his death rips my soul apart.
I imagine what it would be like, what I would be like in his absence. I picture myself laying down in the grass and never getting up. Never feeling anything again except for sunlight and rain and wind, cut loose from all the things that make me human.
I picture myself sliced up, bloodied lines up and down my body, like I used to be, except this time I don’t feel any guilt. I just hurt, and I don’t want to stop and there’s no one left in the world to stop me.
I picture myself sick. So sick I’m writhing on the ground, like my soul is trying to escape my body, because she can’t bear to be in a place where he doesn’t exist. Because she has to find him and if she doesn’t she’ll die, trapped inside my body.
But there’s also this little flicker of peace, like a lightning bug. It just floats there in the dark, occasionally reminding me its there by the soft, small light it carries. And I realize, if he were dead I’d have nothing else to live for.
And then I’d be free.
[© 2010 Sophia Nelson]
